How are you doing?

I have to tell you I spend a lot of time on Facebook.. My illness leaves me exhausted and sometimes it's the only way I get any social interaction and I maintain a connection with my best friends scattered all over through Facebook. Every so often, Facebook changes everything about their website without telling you and it annoys a lot of people, but I enjoy finding the little things. One thing that I've noticed is my "update status" text box no longer says "What's on your mind?" it asks "How are you doing?" I chuckle thinking that would make everyone's status "oh, fine" because most times when people ask you  "How are you?" they are just issuing a pleasantry and not actually interested in your well being. As I've journeyed through illness and the depression in can cause, I have a few people that will ask me this and I know they'd likely punch me if I said "oh fine" then I have a couple of doctors in my life that when they *knock knock* as they are walking in and say "How are you?" and my first reaction is to respond socially and say "I'm alright, how are you?" .....then I go into a rant about how horrible I feel.

So, how am I doing?

In a lot of ways, I'm doing okay. I generally don't like the holiday season because I don't have any contact with the majority of my family and for my sanity and my health, it's better that way. I can't say I don't miss having my own family, but I don't miss the people that were in my family... I miss having my own mom but not my mother... I know this all sounds very sad, but..... it is.

I'm struggling while I fight doctor after doctor about what's wrong with me. I KNOW there is something causing all of this fatigue and I would like to get to treating it so that I can participate in life. My joints hurt to the point that I can't walk. I fall down the stairs randomly. I can't pick up my children. My head hurts like crazy.

I want off this crazy train!

Christmas Mourning

Our pastor at church mentioned that a lot of people would be experiencing Christmas differently this year. The parents of those 20 children from CT and many others within our church who had recently lost family members. Christmas would never be the same for these people.

I couldn't help but think how each Christmas has been different these past years...

2007, I was in my first month of sobriety and separated from my family emotionally so I spent my Thanksgiving and Christmas this year with my family in the 12 step program and moved into a sober living house with 6 other women a few days later.

2008, We lived in a trailer in Oklahoma City, Jake worked construction and we were barely making it. I spent the whole year pregnant bc we were pregnant in Jan and lost the baby in March and I was pregnant with Maddox that April. Maddox was born 5 days before Christmas at 38 weeks and jaundice, so we fortunately got to bring the billi-lights home but in order to spend Christmas with Jake's family we had to have the lights delivered to my MIL's house and home health care came and stabbed his poor lil foot everyday, by Christmas afternoon (after a scare of almost having to go back to the hospital) he was released and I could hold him as much as I wanted.

2009, Jake enlisted in the Army and left in January, he came home in June but we were able to visit him some at Ft Sill. We were pregnant again in April when Maddox was 4 months old and Avery was born 9 days before Christmas in Kansas and didn't come home until Dec 29th. We caught Maddox's first birthday when we came home to shower and change. Avery was in the hospital over Christmas and Jake's family brought Christmas to us after Avery got home. She had a lot of scares of going to a higher level NICU but we got to stay close to home and could go back and forth between Avery and Maddox. I had some complications with my post partum healing and almost got myself put back in the hospital but again, we were fortunate and I could stay with Avery.

2010, I was diagnosed with a Chiari Malformation the previous September and we were told Jake was deploying in November, so we post-poned my surgery. We moved on post at Fort Riley and went home to Oklahoma for Christmas. I was in a lot of pain and I don't honestly remember a lot of this year.

2011, I had surgery in Feb and Jake deployed in June, before his birthday. We found out in October that Jake would be part of the pull out from Iraq in December. The kids and I had Chicken Taco Chili for Thanksgiving and Jake came home on December 8th. I had been feeling really bad since September but we still went home for Christmas and I don't remember anything else about this year.

2012. We spent the first part of this year with lots of health problems. I couldn't walk or take myself to the bathroom during the first of the year. I went to the hospital every few weeks and couldn't hardly do anything for myself. We moved to Colorado in June and I have felt a bit better. Jake and I are both in college and the kids are in daycare, this gives me more time for self care and school is a good distraction/motivation to overcome my health issues or at least not be as depressed. I passed 17 hours (that's 5 classes) this semester but will only be taking 2 next semester. We went to a friends house for Thanksgiving and will be staying here in Colorado for Christmas, my health, our finances and Jake taking a class over the break will keep us here and I'm none too upset about that. Maddox is 4 on Weds and Avery turned 3 on Saturday.

 I had a bunch of other things to say but I'm a bit overwhelmed right now, soooooo, those are the changes we've had over the years.... I have to say that this time of year brings a different kind of sadness to my heart. I mourn over a family dynamic I've never had, I wish and want for many things that I cannot change to be different. I find more and more things to be difficult and my acceptance grows but not without resistance. So that's it in a nutshell... Thank you and goodnight...