Facing Mortality

Well, I started writing this blog this morning and intentionally erased it all to start over. I began with a very emotional account of facing mortality and how my husband is in the military and I have reconciled many times with the fact that our last kiss before deployment could be our last. I don't dwell on this, but I'm conscious of the fact.

I had to face my mortality when I was diagnosed with the Chiari Malformation and going into surgery to remove a portion of my skull and 2 vertebra that it could have had a lasting effect on my ability to live life the way I had been, or result in complications that could have killed me.

After Jake went to Iraq last year, just 4 months after my surgery, I expected to feel run down having to do everything myself. No surprise that I had a hard time finding my niche.

After about 4 months of struggling I went to the doctor because I didn't feel like I was improving, I felt like I was getting worse. I researched my symptoms and asked for some blood tests including an ANA w/CBC. My ANA happened to be extremely high and from my research I fit the Lupus diagnosis pretty perfectly. I was referred to a Rheumatologist in Topeka and he diagnosed me with Sjogren's Syndrome and refused Lupus.

He was very distant and quick to leave the room, so I went to find a new Rheumatologist with better bedside manner and ended up in Abilene. His practice was very slow to actually get to see the actual doctor and I ended up really frustrated with him since I was put on steroids and not followed and they kept telling me my blood levels were "normal" when they weren't (I saw the results)

So we moved to Colorado and I ended up (total God thing) with a very dry but totally awesome Rheumatologist who took a while to get the appointment but I followed up 2 weeks after my appointment and now it's just a week between appointments because he seems to notice that I've got a few problems.

So, the big news I suppose is.....

Can't say I don't have a sense of humor okay?

I have always thought it was what I had but no one else thought so and treated me like I was clinically insane, literally. In the last 9 months I've been on 5 different anti-depressants which left my emotions in either zombie or hulk stage, never level.

So with that, I'll be starting an IV infusion medication in the next couple of weeks, then 2 weeks after that, 2 weeks after that, and then every 4 weeks after that. I could go more or less depending on my tolerance and disease response to the medication. I am taking more steroid and added a couple of other medications to treat the Sjogren's symptoms including a pill and an eye drop.

Jake was working in the S1 shop on Carson before he out-processed to go to ROTC and worked with a female soldier who's sister had Lupus and passed away from complications, so here is my mortality staring me in the face.....again.

I know my heart and kidneys have been affected, I have a swollen lymph node in my neck and my muscles are much weaker than they should be. I have a lot of pain in my joints... wrists, fingers, jaw, elbow, shoulders, hip, knees, back, neck, or really I guess I should have listed the joints that haven't been affected that list is shorter.

The IV infusion will be much like Chemo, a lot of the same side effects, only with this one, my risk for cancer is higher because it will break my immune system down to give my attacked organs a chance to heal. I'll be more susceptible to infections and will likely lose my hair (good thing I don't have far to go!)

I have no intention of withdrawing from school or failing.

I have to restart my heart monitor on 07Sept and I will find out a lot of blood work that day also. I have many other doctor's appointments, 5 I can think off the top of my head in that 2 week span.



Our life will change quite a bit in the next few weeks with the turn in medical things. I have a couple of consultations for a hysterectomy and breast reduction to take some of that stress off my body. Jake has had a vasectomy because we are certain that we do not ever want to have another biological child. I have zero desire, maybe even negative desire to ever be pregnant again, as long as I live. I'm quite paranoid about not being wholly protected myself and with my history of abnormal paps and various biopsies that I've had to have, I don't want to risk the cervical or ovarian cancer, so I'd rather just evict those organs completely. If I were to get pregnant while on a few of these medications it would be very detrimental to myself and the child so I'd rather just not play with fire.

I have to say that when I first heard the words at the doctor, I was pretty happy. I felt a victory. I advocated for myself, I didn't back down and even though it took a year, I found someone who would listen and look at the big picture.

I'm so happy to be in Colorado. I am in awe of the beauty of the area, the gifts that God has given me through some bbbbbbeautiful snapshots with the sunset, the moon in the clouds, haze in the mountains.

Please hear this song and know that while I may get nervous, I am not afraid. 

10 years ago...

I dropped out of high school.

I lived in an adolescent facility off and on for a few years and had a slight altercation with the summer school teacher when I returned to my home town full time, after which I was asked to not return to summer school. The last year of school I completed was 8th grade. I passed a good majority of my 9th grade year, I successfully scored some Freshman and Sophomore credits but nothing as a Junior and I dropped out the year before my Kindergarten class went to their Senior year. I've got like 9 or 12 completed college classes that I took right after I dropped out. Intro to Psych and Sociology, Marriage and Family and Behavioral Psychology, just because I thought they were interested and didn't involve Math.

...but it's been 10 years. I've had skull removed, children added, among other stresses that have lowered my self esteem or given me anxiety about class tomorrow.

I start my week first class, at noon.... MATH.. UGH. Luckily if I never go beyond an Associate then this will be the only Math class I take. I have ASL after that and on Tuesday/Thurs I have Cultural Anthropology and English until October then Computer Literacy will come in to finish the semester.

I'm pretty anxious. I haven't had an appetite and I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep a wink tonight. Respite Caregiver comes tomorrow, so the anxiety will be less with the help getting around but still there. *sigh*

Your prayers are appreciated, and if you're not the praying type, some positive lovely vibes in my direction are welcome too :)

On your mark.... 1......2......3......

GO!

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."
Phil 4:6 NLT

Thank You Lord for this opportunity to go to school!! Please bring me Your PEACE that passes understanding so that I will focus and show the world what a masterpiece You created!!

A Little Backstory

Well, I sure didn't get the introductory post put up like I thought I would. I just don't know where to start. SO, I'll just wing it and see where it goes. 

My name is Abby, it's not short for Abigail, but we already covered that, I'm Abbarilla Hope Kuchar (my biological father) Lord (my adopted father) Gamble (my hateful mistake of a 1st marriage) Webster (my knight in shining armor that fights me for me) People ask me all the time "Where did that name come from?" All I know about the name is my Mother's Father's Mother's name was Ella Abbarilla (yes that rhymes) so my Great-Grandmother. My cousin Leah has told me that it was actually present in five out of seven generations, hopefully when her Dad (my Mother's Brother) gets done with his research I'll know more about who I am. 

I'm pretty sure if you're reading this, you probably know me fairly well, but in case you don't, I'll give you a little low-down. I have to warn you, after these many years, I'm not afraid of my details, I'm not ashamed of my story and I'm quite cut and dry about it. There are some black and white details, nothing is described but it may upset you, there is your warning.

I was born November 4, 1984 to a woman named Arlene and a man named Robert. I am 1/4 Czech and a 1/4 Polish and the rest is just English I suppose, I don't actually know. I suppose that's another question for the genealogy Uncle. My parents were divorced when I was 5 after it became known that my Biological Father was in fact a child molester. We lived in Yukon Oklahoma for most of my life, but we lived all over town. I went to 2 different Elementary Schools, 2 different Middle Schools and I went to the only High School in town when I wasn't living in an Behavioral Adolescent Facility in Enid. My Mother got remarried at my request (yes, you read that right) and he turned out to be a bit of a child molester too, although he did apologize and said that it was a "lapse in judgement" I couldn't very well bring myself to having them in my life anymore and have not had contact with them for quite some time now.  I'll tell you that those were just the BIG bullet points, there were many many other things that happened through my formidable years including a lot of drinking, smoking, drugs, misusing my body in many ways and being victimized over and over because of the choices I made with my life. I dropped out of High School after being kicked out of Summer School. I wouldn't have graduated until I was over 20 since I wasn't allowed to attend Summer School in my school district, which was unacceptable so I dropped in 2002, although I had only completed 9th grade with a couple of miscellaneous credits that a couple of really awesome teachers fought for on my behalf (quick shout out to Mrs. Mollet and Mr. Colley at YHS! BEST TEACHERS EVER, the only people for those years that EVER believed I was worth anything) I got my GED the same day or the day after I dropped out and scored a 20 on my ACT. Then I made a huge mistake and attempted college at 17 years old, with no support. I failed and in September 2003, I joined the Army (Nat'l Guard because Active Duty wasn't accepting GEDs) and I spent the next year and half deploying guard units to Iraq and left for BCT 17Mar03, where I was during the United States invasion of Iraq and PFC Jessica Lynch was captured and I had one of her Drill SGTs. My mother had surgery for a Chiari Malformation and other complications so I came home from training....on the day my unit graduated. I came home and didn't get along with my Mother very well, so I moved to "the city" and got into a lot of trouble over the next few years in really hateful relationships but we'll leave that at that. 

So, that is the past that has made me who I am today. I don't regret any of it, although I wish I didn't have quite so many traumatic experiences, but without all of these things, I wouldn't know how strong I am. I wouldn't know the God I know, the way I know Him. 

My "present" which I consider the last 5 years.

After all of that I eventually moved into a sober living house and met a really nice guy. He moved a TV for me and cried when we broke up for 12 hours. We got married in April 08 after losing a baby in March 08, had a baby in Dec 08, he went to BCT Jan 09, we got pregnant in April 09, he graduated AIT June 09, moved to Kansas in July 09, had another baby in Dec 09, we moved in July 2010 to another town in Kansas, I was diagnosed with a Chiari Malformation in Sept 2010, I had surgery to remove a portion of my skull and vertebra in Feb 2011, we started a deployment in June 2011, I started having auto-immune issues in Sept 2011, we had R&R in Oct 2011 and he returned in Dec 2011, we got orders to move to Colorado and moved here in June 2012 (this is our 7th house to live in together in 4 1/2 years) and now my husband is going to ROTC for the next 2 years and I'm finally going back to college starting Monday to be an ASL interpreter. 

I'm scared to death. I am scared that I am not smart enough. I'm scared that success in anything makes me quit before I finish. 

I have NEVER graduated from anything in my whole life (except pre-school, I've seen the VHS) 


There ya have it. Me in a nutshell. Although this does not really mean you know me by any means... You have to experience my outlook on things in real life to fully appreciate who I am. My words typed flatly on the screen without my emotion and actions don't really convey my true self. So please, don't judge me by what you've read here without really getting to know me first.

I will leave you with an excerpt from my devotional that I particularly loved this week:

As we sail through our days--particularly those of pain and suffering--we need an anchor of hope to keep us from drifting into wrong ideas and beliefs. Our lives get quite choppy at times and it is easy to slip away and lose hope. Our faith is the chain which secures us to the anchor of hope in Jesus. And that anchor of hope in Christ will not fail us. His pr

omises are hooked deep into God’s eternal plan.

Many of our days may be overcast or stormy. It can be tempting to pull up anchor and allow ourselves to drift away. But placing our hope in who we are and what we have in Christ will keep us anchored securely until we reach the shores of eternity.
“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure” (Hebrews 6:19)

Vote for Me!!!

Hello friends,

I know that this isn't the best way to start our relationship, but I'm starting school on 27Aug and I took a chance and entered a contest fr a gift card to buy new clothes. I'm still wearing clothes from high school, I don't have many "nice" clothes and just really wanted the opportunity to tell a very abbreviated version of my story.

I'm winning but the contest isn't over until 31Aug and the winners are announced 07Sept.

Will you vote for me?? You can vote everyday!! You can share with your friends too!!

Thank You!!



Votes:

8/12 : 10 and losing by 9!
8/13 : only one vote behind but I didn't write it down
8/14 : pretty sure I started winning this day but I didn't write it down
8/15 : 78
8/16 : 96
8/17 : 106!
8/18 : 120
8/19 : 128
8/20 : 138

Actually it's Abbarilla

That's right, I know, you've never met anyone with that name.

Hi. Let me be your Abbarilla.

This blog is going to be a sort of introduction of who I am. It will probably be a mixture of stories from different seasons of life, some things you may know, some things you may not know. Hopefully the things you read here will explain aspects of my personality.

Now to think about my first blog....

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

              For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.